I am constantly apologizing. I am forever saying thank you. And how could I not? You have done so much for me. More than almost anyone could. You have gone far above and beyond the call of duty.
And yet I cannot adequately express how grateful, how thankful I am, how sorry I am that you have to take care of me, because I cannot care for myself. I cannot do the most basic of tasks to look after myself, so how can I possibly express what I feel for what you do for me? I cannot hug you, I cannot cook for you, I cannot straighten up around the house… There are no tasks I can perform to show you how I feel. I can only say thank you, and apologize.
It is obvious that to you I cannot adequately express this because of the things you say. There is always a rational part of me that knows you don't mean what you say, that you don't mean to hurt me, not really. But in the moment that you say it, you do mean for it to hurt, and it really does. You lose control, and so do I, and we both say petty things. Things that we regret. But some things you say I cannot forget. Forgive, yes, because I love you and I know that you love me. Forget, no.
How can I be expected to? You hurt my heart every time you say these things, and it leaves behind marks that will never go away.
I can be angry with you, frustrated with you, and it can have nothing to do with how I feel about you taking care of me. Perhaps I get mad at you for your lifestyle choices, or discussions we try to have, but again, that has nothing to do with how grateful I am. I am capable of being frustrated with you at the same moment that I am completely in your debt.
And when you say things like that, it brings out my worst fears. That I am a burden to you. I know that I am (how could I not be?), but I try to put it out of my mind, especially because she says for me to. She constantly reminds me that I am not a burden to her, and I know in your good moments you don't think that I am. But when you get angry at me, for whatever reason, it eventually turns into you being angry at me for not being grateful (according to you).
What can I do to show you that I am so thankful to have your help and care? To have your love? How can I ever sufficiently apologize for not wearing my seatbelt in that one brief moment in time, that moment that changed everything? I will always carry with me that the accident was as much my fault as the other driver's. In the depths of my soul, so deep where I can bury it and try not to think about it, I know this. I don't need you to remind me.
So I don't know in the end what I am supposed to do. I try. I try the best that I can. But no one is perfect, and we have always known that I have a temper and get emotional quite easily. I've gotten so much better about holding it in. Why can't you?
In spite of all this, I am grateful. You can't possibly know how much. Even when you hurt me, even when you make me cry, I am still grateful to have you there taking care of me, looking after me. Because don't think I don't notice that even when you are angry, you continue to care for me, and help me do what needs to be done, in spite of your anger. Of course I notice. Of course I'm thankful.
I just had to get this out, because it was eating a hole away inside of me. But no matter what, I love you. And I never doubt, not for a single second, not for a millisecond, your love for me. I know that you love me, no matter what, as well. And I'm grateful for that, too.
