I was recently asked several questions by a friend, many of which have to do with my social and worldly interactions since my accident. For those of you who haven't read my previous blogs, I'm a quadriplegic on a ventilator, which means I'm paralyzed from the neck down, and a machine breathes for me. This happened almost 4 years ago when I was in a car accident. But enough of that for now, and back to the current topic!
I view my world in an entirely different way than I used to. I view my past differently, as well as my present and future. I think that would be expected, however. In a situation like this, you have to adjust and see things differently, or be stuck. And since I can't move on my own, I'm already "stuck" enough. I'd rather not be stuck emotionally and mentally, as well as physically.
One thing you have to know about me, even before my accident, is that I have long mourned for the loss of my childhood. That sounds ridiculous to some people, I'm sure, but it's just a part of me. I always had trouble thinking about my past without getting terribly nostalgic, hurt even, and that hasn't changed. In some ways, it's intensified, because not only can I never have those experiences as a child again, I can never physically go back to the places I grew up in, because my chair can't get me there. So most often, I find myself trying not to think about my childhood.
I guess I should change that to I try not to think of my past in general. It can be painful, to reflect and recollect the things you can no longer, and may never again be able to do. The two things I miss most in my entire life are working with horses, and singing (the way I used to be able to sing, I mean). Because I know I can sing now, and that provides me a little happiness, but sometimes I listen to these beautiful choral works that I had once sung, and it just tears me apart. I can't stand to listen to them. But I have grown enough that that is not the case most times anymore. I can now listen to much music without breaking down or feeling bad, and that's simply because I have repeatedly exposed myself to it, and reminded myself of the good feelings it engenders when even just listening.
It's the same with the horses. When I went to my first few horse shows after my accident, it would all be brought home to me much harder that I could no longer do that. Yes, I was happy to see old friends, and still am, but that didn't make watching the horses go around any less difficult. But again, through exposure, and simply for the love of the animal, that has changed somewhat. It still hurts sometimes, of course, when it just happens to strike me wrong. But I do not think I am ever happier than when I see my mom showing our horses, and enjoying the ride. It's the closest I can get to it, you know? I am now a vicarious horse rider!
So if those are my worldly reactions (because those are practically the only parts of the world I delve into!), then what are my social interactions like? How does it feel to be hugged? Do I like it? Hate it? I'll answer all of that as best I can.
Physical affection has always been very important to me, and it pains me sometimes still that I can't hug my mom, or curl up on the couch with her, or any of that now. So it means so much more than it used to now when someone hugs me or gives me a kiss on the cheek. I may not be able to reciprocate, but believe me, I'm always hugging you back. It's just without my arms.
Some people are comfortable enough to hug me, but others are uncertain. Still others are completely uncomfortable. And I understand that, because this is a difficult situation to understand, and because it's not one you certainly come across every day. However, being uncomfortable is no excuse for fake niceness. It may not even be fake, so much as careful niceness. Not wanting to make me uncomfortable, you avoid that question you want to ask even though I see it in your eyes. Thinking you are trying to be politically correct, you avoid saying the obvious. But these things, these questions and the obvious statements, and so on, they don't bother me! Just ask Chase Harvill, I am a far from politically correct person when it comes to my situation, and I enjoy the humor of others who are on the same page. You don't have to step carefully around things with me. I prefer open honesty and forwardness more than niceness, most times.
That's honestly probably the only thing that bothers me about people's behavior toward me. I'm being myself, so just be yourself as well. Luckily that is not the case with most people I interact with, but I think there's a little bit of that hesitancy there in everyone. Well, just to set the record straight, you don't have to tiptoe around anything with me. Any question is fair game, and no question makes me uncomfortable. I haven't yet encountered a question that I would rather people didn't ask. Even if it seems obvious to me, I know it may not be to you. So I don't hate answering questions at all; I love it because it's an opportunity to teach and to help people understand this situation.
There's one last interaction question that someone asked me, and it had to do with how I type and use my computer. To type, I use a dictation program that converts my spoken words to text on the computer. As someone who had a gift for typing normally – the thoughts just seemed to flow from my head down to my fingers before I could even fully formed them – learning to type verbally was a struggle. I felt like every typo was a personal offense, and it would take me a good hour to craft a one paragraph Facebook post. The first time I did that, I was still figuring out my dictation program, and I accidentally deleted the post. Definitely made me cry! All that hard work dammit! Ha ha!
But now I have become quite adept at spoken typing, or whatever you want to call it. It still takes a little while, but I've gotten very quick in comparison. For instance, it probably took me half an hour to write this blog (though it will take a little longer to go back and edit it for the final draft!).
You just have to adapt. To all of these interactions, you have to adapt to what people do and think, you have to adapt your own thinking and feelings, you're constantly shifting positions (so to speak) to let something hit you at a better angle, to not let something hurt, to try to draw people out. It's a constant war I wage, game I play, mountain I climb… Well, you know what I mean! But this thing that happened to me, this accident that left me the way I am now, left my mind exactly the same as it was before. So of course I'm going to keep interacting, keep trying. And I hope you will too. And so we go!
